Recently, I had an interesting conversation with a new acquaintance, Tara. We got to talking about shame and how it affected her. Tara divorced her ex-husband of 6 years. Turns out, he was a narcissist. He was emotionally abusive and manipulative. Tara was still suffering from that damage years later. Her ex-husband was still around because they had a child together. Tara wanted to put divorce, and the emotional abuse, behind her but wasn’t able to. She had come a long way from where she was when she first got divorced. But now 6 years later, her ex still got to her. She still hadn’t emotionally healed.
A simple two step strategy for recovering from a narcissist came from that conversation.
1. Abandon all hope the narcissist will change
This sounds so simple. Based on the mountain of evidence and experience, the conclusion is obvious. Your ex is a narcissist; and that is not going to change. But the hope that he will change, means you don’t have to completely own all your hurt and feelings. You don’t have to completely feel all the grief and sorrow. Plus, you can blame him and deflect your hurt. Abandon this hope like you would a maggot infested apple at the grocery store.
Hanging on to hope leaves the door open to your tender heart strings. Leaving the door open to your heart is dangerous, especially if there’s continued interaction with the ex because of your children together. Why expose yourself to risk? Instead of risking harm, simply shut the door.
Here’s what needs to happen: feel your feelings, resolve your own shame, and heal your heart. Doing these three things closes the door and elevates your self-worth. Elevating your self-worth is narcissist repellant. When you determine your self-worth. You are empowered. You take away your ex’s power to elevate or degrade your self-worth. You take your power back and leave him powerless. This is how you neuter your narcissist.
2. Focus on healing yourself
By focusing on healing yourself, you move your ex out of your mind. You no longer need to wonder why your ex was that way. You need not concern yourself about what he is doing. Your focus is solely on you. How you feel. How to heal from your hurt. How to learn to feel the love you need. How to become whole again.
When the holes in your heart heal, you won’t seek anyone to do that for you. You become complete and whole. You won’t try to avoid feelings of being unlovable or unworthy. You know in your heart and body that you are lovable. You know in your heart and body that you are worthy. Operating from this place of knowing you are lovable and worthy, you won’t entertain the thought of being with a narcissist. They have nothing to offer you. Your energy changes and you will attract a different type of person. A person more in line with the whole hearted you.
Often, what lies as a barrier of applying this 2 step strategy is shame. Shame is painful and tricky. It strikes at your identity and self-worth. If you are interested in resolving shame, becoming whole, and rediscovering happiness. Let’s talk. Book your free call now. Click the link below. It will be the best hour you spend taking a look at how to move forward from your history with a narcissist.
Shame is NOT a life sentence, so free yourself.
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